3dMan10 (2013-05-02 01:55:28)

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The lady and the dog...

Ok, here's another short silly story. I hope you enjoy it.

One day this one lady got bitten by a rabid dog so she went to the hospital. The doctor told her that it was a terrible and severe bite so he suggested that she'd write a will. So she did and just kept writing and writing and writing.
After a long while, the doctor came back while she was still writing.
He asked her, "Wow, that's a rather long will!."
She responded, "No it's not a will, it's a list of people I'm gonna bite."

Get it? She got rabies from that vicious dog.






A boy, a storm and his parents

A short funny story...hope you like it!

A little boy comes out of his room into the living room in the middle of the night. There was thunder and lightning in a huge storm outside. The mother comes to see what her son was doing. She knew her little boy would be scared easily by the storm. So she sits next to her son and wraps her arm around him to comfort him.
The boy finally says, "Can you sleep in my bed tonight?"
Her response was, "No sweetie, I have to sleep with daddy."
After a long pause the boy says, "The big sissy!"







Love letters...

There was a man who was very much in love with a lovely lady. He wrote a love letter to her every day in hope to gain her love in return. After about 3 weeks nothing happened so the man decided to write 3 or 4 sappy letters every day. The letters kept coming to the post office like normal and then to her house every single day. Then one day, the woman got married! Unfortunately, she married the postman.





The Miser and His Gold

Adapted from the tale by Aesop.
miser: one who is stingy with money

Once there was a very rich old man who hated to spend money. He so
much detested the idea of spending any of his riches, that he kept his entire
fortune hidden. In the back of a young farmer’s barn, under the bales of hay, the
old man buried his gold. No one but he knew where the gold was hidden. And
each night, the old man would sneak into the young farmer’s barn and stare at his
gold. He did this because nothing gave him so much pleasure as seeing all of this
wealth before him.
Then, after several years of hiding more and more gold and visiting the
young farmer’s barn each night, the old man was shocked to go there one evening
and find all of his gold missing. There was not a single coin, not a single bar, not a
single ring, nor a single necklace in the young farmer’s barn anymore. Someone
had stolen the old man’s wealth, and he was furious.
Angrily, the old man went to the young farmer first, banging on the door
and demanding to know what happened to his gold. Unfortunately for the old
man, the young farmer had no idea what he was talking about. He even allowed
the old man to search the farmhouse to prove his innocence. And after practically
turning the home upside down, the old man realized that the farmer was telling
the truth. The farmhouse was hardly even decorated, and there was no evidence
that the farmer ever knew that the old man was storing money in the barn, much
less that the farmer had stolen the money.
But being a kind young man, he offered to help the old man search for his
gold. Together, they went from house to house, town to town, looking for the gold
or for the person who may have stolen it. After a long time, and without any luck
in finding the guilty party, the young farmer and the old man sat down to talk.
“I can imagine how upset you must be, sir” said the young farmer. “Were
you going to use the money to buy yourself a nice home or fancy clothes or
something else that you’ve always wanted?”
“No,” replied the old man.
“Were you planning on spending it on your wife or your family or your
friends, so that they might have something they truly treasure?” the farmer asked.
“No,” replied the old man.
“Were you going to donate the money to a worthy cause, hoping that it
would be put to good use?”
“No,” the old man said again. “I just enjoyed looking at it. I enjoyed going
into the barn and staring at all the money I had.”
The farmer thought for a few moments and then said, “Come with me,
please.”
The old man followed the young farmer back to the barn where the money
had been stolen. They walked to the bales of hay in the back of the barn, and the
old man showed the young farmer where he once sat and stared at his riches. The
farmer told him to sit down and look again at where the riches once were. The old
man did, but had a puzzled look on his face.
“Why should I stare at where my money once was? It is no longer there
anymore!” said the old man.
“That’s true, sir” said the young farmer, “but since you never once used
your wealth for anything--not for yourself, for your loved ones, or for strangers--it
should do you just as much good to sit there and stare at nothing like a fool.”






Whose Job Is It?


This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody would do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done..................Did all of that make sense to you?




A Man and His Dog








A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that his faithful dog had been dead for many years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. As he reached the wall, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch, and the street that led to the gate made from pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water? We have traveled far," the man said.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment, remembering all the years this dog remained loyal to him and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk he came to a plain dirt road, which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water? We have traveled far."

"Yes, sure, there's a faucet over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in and help yourself."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to his dog.

"There should be a bowl by the faucet; he is welcome to share."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned faucet with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. We're just happy that they screen out the folks who'd leave their best friends behind in exchange for material things."


The end...............................or is it?






How To Be Annoying....

I found these oxymorons at this site : http://members.tripod.com/~MercedesRose/index.html
It's a fun website with random things (like mine!) I changed a little of small detail and got rid of about 3 that I couldn't understand. But besides that, i didn't change anything but the font color.


•Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
•Drum on every available surface.
•Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
•Staple papers in the middle of the page.
•Ask 800 operators for dates.
•Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
•Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks & purses.
•Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
•Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
•Specify that your drive-through order is "for here".
•Set all alarms in the house for random times.
•Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
•Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
•Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
•Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
•Honk and wave to strangers.
•Dress only in clothes colored neon orange.
•Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
•Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
•Wear your pants backwards.
•Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
•Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
•Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
•Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
•ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
•only type in lowercase.
•dont use any punctuation either
•Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
•Pay for your dinner with pennies.
•Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
•Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
•Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
•Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
•Light road flares on a birthday cake.
•Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
•Leave tips in Bolivian or other random currency.
•Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
•Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
•At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
•When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
•Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
•As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
•Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
•Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
•Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know it, don't ya?)
•Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
•Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
•Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
•Drive half a block.
•Name your dog "Dog".
•Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
•Ask people what gender they are.
•Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
•Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
•Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
•Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
•Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
•Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
•Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
•While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
•Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
•Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
•Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
•Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
•Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
•Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
•Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
•Wear a LOT of cologne.
•Ask to "interface" with someone.
•Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
•Sing along at the opera.
•Mow your lawn with scissors.
•At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
•Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".
•Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
•Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
•Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
•Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
•Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".
•Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
•Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
•Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
•Never make eye contact.
•Never break eye contact.
•Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
•Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
•Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
•Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal voice.
•Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
•Make appointments for the 31st of September.
•Invite lots of people to other people's parties.




The Abominable Pumpkin











Hundreds of (useless) Facts!


I got this long list of useless and interesting facts from this website:

http://diggfinds.com/2007-03-16/hundreds-of-useless-facts/

So go ahead and read them all. I dare you.



•A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long in just one night.
• A roach can live several weeks with its head cut off - it dies from starvation.
• A crocodile always grows new teeth to replace the old teeth.
• A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in the air is a skein.
• A hard working adult sweats up to 4 gallons per day. Most of the sweat evaporates before a person realizes it’s there, though.
• A hedgehog’s heart beats 300 times a minute on average.
• A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside.
• A hummingbird weighs less than a penny.
• A ‘jiffy’ is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
• A lump of pure gold the size of a matchbox can be flattened into a sheet the size of a tennis court.
• A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge, a dime has one less groove.
• After eating, a housefly regurgitates its food and then eats it again.
• Apples are more efficient than caffeine in keeping people awake in the mornings.
• Bulls are colorblind, therefore will usually charge at a matador’s waving cape no matter what color it is — be it red or neon yellow.
• Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.
• Cat urine glows under a black-light.
• Dogs and cats, like humans, are either right or left handed… or is that paws?.
• Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
• Human teeth are almost as hard as rocks.
• Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.
• If you counted 24 hours a day, it would take 31,688 years to reach one trillion.
• Most lipstick contains fish scales.
• No piece of square dry paper can be folded more than 7 times in half.
• Nose prints are used to identify dogs, just like humans use fingerprints.
• One ragweed plant can release as many as one billion grains of pollen.
• Over 10,000 birds a year die from smashing into windows.
• Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people.
• Porcupines float in water.
• Skepticisms is the longest word that alternates hands when typing.
• Smelling bananas and/or green apples (smelling, not eating) can help you lose weight.
• The average ice berg weighs 20,000,000 tons.
• The average life span of a major league baseball is 5-7 pitches.
• The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year.
• The Earth weighs around 6,588,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons.
• The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
• The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds.
• The most used letter in the English alphabet is ‘E’, and ‘Z’ is the least used.
• The opposite sides of a dice cube always add up to seven.
• The original name for the butterfly was ‘flutterby’.
• The placement of a donkey’s eyes in its head enables it to see all four feet at all times.
• The poison-arrow frog has enough poison to kill about 2,200 people.
• The sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet.
• The sloth (a mammal) moves so slowly that green algae can grow undisturbed on its fur.
• The state of Florida is bigger than England.
• The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth.
• The world’s termites outweigh the world’s humans 10 to 1.
• There are more than 10 million bricks in the Empire State Building.
• Windmills always turn counter-clockwise. Except for the windmills in Ireland.
• Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day.
• You’re born with 300 bones, but when you get to be an adult, you only have 206.
• 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don’t die throughout the movie.
• 142857 is a cyclic number, the numbers of which always appear in the same order but rotated around when multiplied by any number from 1 to 6. 142857 * 2 = 285714 142857 * 3 = 428571 142857 * 4 = 571428 142857 * 5 = 714285 142857 * 6 = 857142
• A barnacle has the largest penis of any other animal in the world in relation to its size.
• A dragonfly has a lifespan of twenty-four hours.
• A duck’s quack doesn’t echo. No one knows why.
• A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
• A flush toilet exists that dates back to 2000 BC.
• A fully loaded supertanker traveling at normal speed takes a least twenty minutes to stop.
• A ‘jiffy’ is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
• A lion’s roar can be heard from five miles away.
• A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
• A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
• A rhinoceros’ horn is made of compacted hair.
• A species of earthworm in Australia grows up to 10 feet in length.
• A ten-gallon hat holds three-quarters of a gallon.
• A walla-walla scene is one where extras pretend to be talking in the background — when they say “walla-walla” it looks like they are actually talking.
• A whale’s penis is called a dork.
• According to Genesis 1:20-22 the chicken came before the egg.
• Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard.
• After human death, post-mortem rigidity starts in the head and travels to the feet, and leaves the same way it came — head to toe.
• Albert Brooks’s real name is Albert Einstein.
• Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never phoned his wife or his mother. They were both deaf.
• Alexander the Great was an epileptic.
• Alfred Hitch didn’t have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.
• All of the officers in the Confederate army were given copies of Les Miserables, by Victor Hugo, to carry with them at all times. Robert E. Lee, among others, believed that the book symbolized their cause. Both revolts were defeated.
• An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain.
• Ancient drinkers warded off the devil by clinking their cups.
• Ancient Egyptians shaved off their eyebrows to mourn the deaths of their cats.
• Anteaters prefer termites to ants.
• Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.
• Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
• Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
• Barbie’s full name is Barbra Millicent Roberts.
• Barbie’s measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
• Bela Lugosi died during the filming of “PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE”. Director Edward D. Wood Jr. used a taller relative who held a cape in front of his face so the audience wouldn’t know the difference so he could complete filming.
• Bingo is the name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box.
• Blonde beards grow faster than darker beards.
• Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
• Bob Dylan’s real name is Robert Zimmerman.
• Bob May played the Robot on “Lost In Space” (1965-68) and Tufeld was the voice.
• Boris Karloff is the narrator of the seasonal television special “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.”
• Both Hitler and Napoleon were missing one testicle.
• Boys who have unusual first names are more likely to have mental problems than boys with conventional names. Girls don’t seem to have this problem.
• Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.
• Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to SLOW a film down so you could see his moves. That’s the opposite of the norm.
• By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you can’t sink in quicksand.
• Casey Kasem is the voice of Shaggy on “Scooby-Doo.”
• Cat urine glows under a black light.
• Catgut comes from sheep not cats.
• Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
• Cheryl Ladd (of Charlie’s Angels fame) played the voice, both talking and singing, of Josie in the 70s Saturday morning cartoon “Josie and the cats.”
• Chop-suey is not a native Chinese dish, it was created in California by Chinese immigrants.
• Chrysler built B-29’s that bombed Japan. Mitsubishi built the Zeros that tried to shoot them down. Both companies now build cars in a joint plant call Diamond Star.
• Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them use to burn their houses down — hence the statement “to get fired.”
• Clark Gable used to shower more than 4 times a day.
• Compact discs read from the inside to the outside edge, the reverse of how a record works.
• Crickets hear through their knees.
• Crocodiles swallow stones to help them dive deeper.
• Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.
• Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
• Despite the hump, a camel’s spine is straight.
• Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln’s assassin John Wilkes Booth, and whose shame created the statement for ignominy, “His name is Mudd.”
• Dr. Seuss and Kurt Vonnegut went to college together. They were even in the same fraternity, where Seuss decorated the fraternity house walls with drawings of his characters.
• Due to gravitational effects, you weigh slightly less when the moon is directly overhead.
• During the chariot scene in ‘Ben Hur’ a small red car can be seen in the distance.
• During World War II, W.C. Fields kept US $50,000 in Germany ‘in case the little bastard wins’.
• Earth is the only planet not named after a God.
• Elvis had a twin brother named Jesse Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis’ middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother.
• Every photograph of an American atomic bomb detonation was taken by Harold Edgerton.
• Every Swiss citizen is required by law to have a bomb shelter or access to a bomb shelter.
• Evian (the bottled water) spelled backwards is “naive.”
• February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
• Flying from London to New York by Concord, due to the time zones crossed, you can arrive 2 hours before you leave.
• Former US President Ulysses S. Grant had the boyhood nickname ‘Useless’.
• Four people played Darth Vader: David Prowse was his body, James Earl Jones did the voice, Sebastian Shaw was his face and a fourth person did the breathing.
• From the age of thirty, humans gradually begin to shrink in size.
• George Washington grew marijuana in his garden.
• Gerald Ford pardoned Robert E. Lee posthumously of all crimes of treason.
• Gilligan of Gilligan’s Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper’s real name on Gilligan’s Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on the radio newscast about the wreck. The Professor’s real name was Roy Hinkley, Mary Ann’s last name was Summers and Mrs. Howell’s maiden name was Wentworth.
• Halloween took place in the town of Haddonfield, Illinois but almost all the cars in the film had California license plates.
• Hara kiri is an impolite way of saying the Japanese word “seppuku” which means, literally, “belly splitting.”
• Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by Bayer.
• Hershey’s Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it’s kissing the conveyor belt.
• Hindu men believe(d) it to be unluckily to marry a third time. They could avoid misfortune by marrying a tree first. The tree ( his third wife ) was then burnt, freeing him to marry again.
• Human birth control pills work on gorillas.
• Human hair and fingernails do not continue to grow after death.

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Mercenary (2013-05-02 01:57:10)

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Belongs in the Story Forum.

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